Don't feel sad because you have to
Recently my grandmother passed away. She was such a sweet lady, a bit sassy but sweet. She hadn't been doing well for a few months. We knew it was pancreatic cancer, the Big C. The doctor told us she had a year to live. I decided that I would visit her more. So I did.
Every week I would go see her for an hour, hour and a half. We'd play cards, visit, and just have a good time. In the last few weeks, I started visiting her twice if not thrice a week. She stopped being able to play cards, sometimes even visit. I sat there occasionally either talking out loud to entertain her or sit with my thoughts. Towards the end she had trouble opening her eyes and following the conversation. She'd sit there, eyes shut. At the end of it all, the last 4-5 days of her life she was in the hospital. I visited almost daily. She was unconscious most of the time. I would sit with her and my family. We started taking turns watching over her, spending the night to make sure she was never alone.
Well, when it came to my shift she passed away that morning before I woke up. It felt surreal to be woken up at 6 in the morning to be told that your grandmother who you slept next to on an uncomfortable fold-out bed-chair has moved on. I didn't cry. I got up called the family to have them come down, then I picked up the room. I guess I've been going for so many months processing these feelings. I've been seeing her get worse and worse. I came to accept that her death would be better than her suffering.
No one has specifically pointed out my non-crying, but I can tell there's been hints of questioning. My aunt and my mother have told me along the line of "it's ok, you can cry." But I didn't. Now I know I have a bad habit of bottling up feelings (see my other post about that), but I don't think that that's it (well not fully anyways). It's odd to have people silently.. judge?... be concerned?... contemplate about your non-crying. But that's ok. Everyone grieves in different ways. I think I've done it partially over the course of a year, processed some of those emotions. It's odd to be around people crying over a loved one, and feel kinda left out? if that's the right way to say it. To be the one who "isn't as upset as everyone else" who "is bottling it up." I'm not sure that's it. But, like with most things, I don't know.